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30 july 2002 | 14:40
just wanted to tell everyone that YES, i am ALIVE.. and doing quite well actually...

one big grin on my face because life is really good for me right now. I have gotten a few worried emails over the past few days wanting to know if i was alright.. i assure you i am and thank you for being concerned...

Remember you can always check http://www.mentalscrew.com to check up on me. *muah* all you gorgeous people... I miss you all..

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to chris...
01 july 2002 | 13:16
Wise Up
Aimee Mann


It's not
What you thought
When you first began it
You got
What you want
Now you can hardly stand it though,
By now you know
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

You're sure
There's a cure
And you have finally found it
You think
One drink
Will shrink you 'til you're underground
And living down
But it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up


Prepare a list of what you need
Before you sign away the deed
'Cause it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
So just...give up


i want to be angry at you, but i just sit here crying.. damn you.

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01 july 2002 | 12:58
i said i wasn't going to do this anymore, but my life just took a down slide.

I used to write about a friend of mine name Chris who was fighting against his addiction to drugs and alcohol. I lived with him for a while and was able to finally get him into treatment. At one point he had a relapse and started doing cocaine again, this caused us to get into it a great deal of issues between us and we stopped being as close as we once were... and he knew that. Eventually he went back to into rehab, started going to twice daily AA and NA meetings. After a few months at the rehab, he went into a half way house and then about a month and a half ago into his own apartment again with a fellow recovering friend.

Unfortunately, he slipped again.

On the morning of Sunday June 23rd, the Chicago Police discovered Chris's body, the victim to an overdose of cocaine. He is gone now and i feel like a part of me has died as well.

When i moved to Chicago in January of 2001, i soon thereafter gained employment as the IT Manager for Glenview Systems, Inc. During my first interview i met this tall, aloof man full of idea and excitement that we would be working together. For the first 8 months i lived in Chicago, he was my only real friend, and through everything he was my best male friend here. After my breakup with Renee he offered me a place to live where i worked to help him with his addictions to alcohol. During that time we got into many fights concerning it but he eventually went into treatment. I was so proud of him.

Chris was a good man; intelligent, probably one of the most kind-hearted individuals i have ever met, and always willing to help out those who needed him. But he failed to know how to help himself. I tried, our boss and coworkers tried.. but ultimately it was up to him.. and he learned the ultimate lesson of his disease.

I will miss you Chris and i will always love you.. be at peace my friend, you aren't hurting anymore. I just pray to God that you finally know how very important you are to all of us that were in your life, and that i am a better man just having known you.



Chris B. Day
1969 - 2002
Rest In Peace, My Friend

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last thing...
30 june 2002 | 23:23
this will be the final post here dearies.. and only to let my presence elsewhere be known.

anyone wanting to stay in contact, that i haven't contacted directly at this point yet or vice versa, can find me at my now growing website that is finally getting together after much time away.

http://www.mentalscrew.com

cannot believe i actually got the damn thing built finally.. but i suppose that is what time away from here will do. if anything come and check it out and let me know what you think.. there is a blog there, and commenting is enabled finally.

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mood :aggravated
28 june 2002 | 05:42
sometimes the past comes and bites us in the ass.. even months later it rears its ugly head and leaves you with a nasty scar..

i have never been one to hold onto grudges... i refuse to be demonized by a group of people who weren't even involved with what happened though.. damn people move on with your lives and stay out of mine.. you weren't there!!!

i made my mistakes, i said my apologies and i moved on.. i cannot believe the same people are bringing up the same old rants and complaints.

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to C.
27 june 2002 | 20:06
so it all comes down to that i suppose...

in some perceptions of reality, love is a perfect thing and when we feel it, it is always give back in kind.

but unfortunately that is not always the case. Sometimes we love people with every part of ourselves and it is not given back, not in the same way. I once was in love with a woman who gave me a great deal of freedom, mainly because she just didn't feel about me the way i felt about her.. and she strung me along... i was being too stupid at the time to really see the larger picture for what it was and i went along with it. Probably the first and only time in my life that i have ever attempted dating more than one person at a time.. and it was basically because she asked me to.

and things got messy. really messy. people got hurt along the way.

became the classic love triangle.. i was in love with this woman, another woman was in love with me, and the object of my affections, well she was just in love with herself and manipulating me along the path.

i know it was my fault, i admitted this a long time ago. Because when things crashed, they came down hard. People got hurt as sometimes happens.

But this was nearly 8 months ago now.. and sometimes people never let loose of those grudges. which is too bad. I cannot go through life apologizing over and over for it.

Yeah i might write about relationships and wanting passion and all this. And yeah you might think that you could have given that to me. But i didn't feel the same. It is really that simple. I will never feel the same as you did, and that is that.

And you might think that makes me the worse type of selfish man, and you are entitled to your opinion. But i was honest in the only way i could be. I tried, but the chemistry just wasnt there.. I was in Chicago, you were in Nashville. You were in love, and i wasn't.. Demonize me if you want, but just because i wasnt in love with you, didnt mean i didnt care. You tried to kill yourself within the week, and i flew into a hysteria over it. blaming myself for what you had done.

and when you came out okay, i just knew i would never allow that closeness again. i would never let you think that anything could ever be there, no possiblity ever.

So you can say what you want, say how i had the chance to get what i desire now.. but you wrong. YOU could have, but not me. and there is a difference.

sorry you feel you need to go, sorry you are still angry i didn't choose to be with you, sorry that eight months later you cannot simply just be my friend.. but that is your choice, just like i made mine.

Love isnt always reciprocated.. and that means that sometimes we get hurt. Sorry. Goodbye dear, and good luck.

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mood :amused
27 june 2002 | 09:22
ten hours.. my goodness..

me fingers are sore now..

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i miss little wednesday addams...
27 june 2002 | 08:23
is it just me or does Christina Ricci scare the crap out anyone else now?


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passion obfuscated
mood :confused
27 june 2002 | 05:15
okay so yeah i have been in a funk lately... i admit it.

about a week ago now i got to thinking. I was reflecting (still) about relationships and such. I was thinking about consuming i can be in my relationships in the past... and i started to write down some things.. mainly trying to figure out when the last time i felt i was someone who was really passionate about being with me.. that i felt i was genuinely important to in a really emotionally connected and passionate manner.

truth is, i haven't felt that anyone felt that way about me in a long time. Made me feel like i was truly special to them.

I have a strong romantic side to me, and i have been known to do silly things when a woman struck me in such a way. Made little baskets of flowers and small gifts.. wrote poems for, drew pictures for, actually dressed up in a tie and surprised them with a basket dinner on the lake, little gifts just to show them i was thinking about them.

it saddened me to think that it had been so long since i had seen anyone make a real effort to express their love or affection to me.. hell just to SEEM passionate about being close to me.

I miss feeling sparks.
I miss feeling that excitement come off someone because they were excited about seeing me.
I miss feeling special to someone.

I just miss passion.. and i wonder where it went.

I am tired of being told how sweet i am, or how cute, or hot, or that any women would be lucky to find a guy like me.. makes me sick almost. I think it is bullshit almost. i hear from my close friends how i have a virtual harem going on here in LJ, because frankly i would give it all up right now if i had one true woman in my life that meant the things she said.. that was passionate about me. Not saying it has to be right now.. but dammit, it woudl be nice to at least have the possiblity of it somehow..somewhere out there..

instead of sitting here feeling so bloody disconnected...
instead of thinking back about how foolish i was to be with some of these women i dated.. when they never even really gave anything of themselves..

just would be nice to finally recieve instead of having to give all the time and feeling like a damned doormat.

almost makes me feel like the asshole guys who just fuck around from one woman to the next have the better part of the deal..

look what my way of living gets me..

oh and please, dont sit there and tell me it will happen, i am tired of hearing that drivel, especially from people who are in long term loving relationships.. makes me want to scream.. mainly because you have no idea where i am coming from.. i have always given all i coudl to my relationships.. and in return i have always gotten shat on.

i am just tired of it. seems i am either going to stop giving in my relationships or i am just going to stop caring period... don't know which it is right now..

more than likely i will just be stubborn and keep looking for that one thing...

passion..

just doesn't seem like it should be so hard to find...

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27 june 2002 | 03:36
that what it is...

i miss having passion in my life.. seems like the only thing i have passion for lately is my art.. i wish someone was passionate about me and vice versa.. *sigh*

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need to be entertained...
27 june 2002 | 02:43
boredom strikes..

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26 june 2002 | 21:20
hehe...

retribution has been found

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much groping going around..
26 june 2002 | 20:25
so what happens exactly when you let loose two strange people in a world recognized museum?

they grope the displays, of course..

minjo enjoying the amphibian manme attempting to mount the multi-legged squid-woman

be aware of those hand placements.... *laughs*


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A definition...
26 june 2002 | 18:05
god   (gd)
n.
  1. God
    1. A being conceived as the perfect, omnipotent, omniscient originator and ruler of the universe, the principal object of faith and worship in monotheistic religions.
    2. The force, effect, or a manifestation or aspect of this being.
  2. A being of supernatural powers or attributes, believed in and worshiped by a people, especially a male deity thought to control some part of nature or reality.
  3. An image of a supernatural being; an idol.
  4. One that is worshiped, idealized, or followed: Money was their god.
  5. A very handsome man.
  6. A powerful ruler or despot.


[Middle English, from Old English. See gheu()- in Indo-European Roots.]

Source</a>: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.


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more complete and utter bullshit!!
26 june 2002 | 17:48

Pledge declared unconstitutional


full AP story text hereCollapse )

Now i just need to say that this is complete bullshit, and i am not even Christian.

As the article states, schoolchildren cannot be compelled to say the Pledge, but that doesn't mean that some don't want to. Whether we like it or not this country was founded by many people seeks religious freedom based on the ostracization of religious leaders in Europe, and in order to keep that freedom we need to stop this petty bullshit like this. I don't think that mandated Christian prayer is a good thing in school, but i do agree with a period of silence to allow prayer in school... it allows our children to partake in their religious upbringing as part of their daily lives. The Pledge doesn't state the we are One Nation Under Jesus, it says One Nation, Under God and that allows a degree of individual opinion.. because when it comes down to it.. we are a Nation that was founded under the premise. We were not founded by a bunch of atheists...

I would never seek to reduce the ideal of religious freedom upon anyone even if i dont agree with the ideals or dogmas of the Christian faith, but i feel sorry in my very depths for someone who seeks or finds no faith in anything other than themselves. And that they would inflict that upon something as wonderful as the Pledge of Allegiance that has been a part of our school system for decades. Really quite sad...

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not making any sense to myself.
26 june 2002 | 05:47
i am wondering what the fuck i am doing.

i need to rethink this before i screw things up.

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complete bullshit...
26 june 2002 | 05:28
and i was about to be really fucking depressed...

because of this

thank goodness it was complete and utter bullshit. Something about the wording of the article didn't sound completely professional and a quick look at the Tool and A Perfect Circle websites showed no other mention of the artist's death... of course then i realized that the URL was www.techtvFANSITE.com and not just techtv.com... Someone is having some wishful thinking perhaps..

nothing like a nice practical joke so early in the morning. feh.

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bandwagon....
25 june 2002 | 18:51
just the little search engine thing going around...
"YOUR NAME is" in Google...

so that means that...

Gary is listening.
Gary is also held in high esteem by his peers.
Gary is here for you.
Gary is also part of sketch comedy group that he writes for,The Associates, and is on the way towards fame and fortune.
Gary is a hot sauce and chile fanatic and swears by quality.
Gary is approximately 116,646.
Gary is married to Sonya, who makes all this playtime possible...
Gary is unbelievable.
Gary is forward-deployed to Yokosuka, Japan.
Gary is a graphic artist.
Gary is still one of the largest steel producers in the world.
Gary is just a click away!
Gary is a bright, blue eyed German guy with head of blond hair and a perfect height of 6'2".
Gary is best known as Baba-booey.
Gary is a chameleon of sorts.
Gary is now considered "part of the family" at most major rock stations.
Gary is also a designer and holds four international awards for graphics and desktop publishing.
Gary is unaware of the box's existence.
Gary is particularly attracted to the intriguing, the macabre and bizarre.
Gary is magic!

yeah, yeah, yeah... just continuing my latest inability to actually have anything worthwhile to write.. nothing, nada, nyet.

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25 june 2002 | 10:24
going out to the Art Institute today with minjo, might meet up with S. afterwards for coffee possibly.

right now i have NOTHING to write about it seems. no sudden discoveries about the world.. nothing new anyhow.

had a wonderful conversation with mnemosyne138 spread over several hours. speaking of spread, how about peanut butter.. oh yummy...

been doing some pencil sketches over the past few days, nothing spectacular. but i wish my scanner was working so i could do up Illustrator versions, possibly even build up libraries for some ideas i have in Flash....

i need to go be inspired. well that and i need to feel a connection that has been missing but that will come in due time... just a continuation of a rant i had last night with Meli... anyhow.. gottat get dressed and boogie outta here.

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24 june 2002 | 22:51
yeah it is soooooo superficial but sue me later..

http://www.hotornot.com/r/?eid=AEGSRL&key=CJD

just was talking about this with mnemosyne138, figured i could use a laugh..

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24 june 2002 | 19:55
*grumble*
damn cable internet company.. i made payment almost three weeks ago and they LOST it.. so they disconnected my service. I have been fighting with them for three days to get it back on.. ended up paying more than i budgeted.. hope i have enough for rent.

pft, not that i was missed or anything.. severely dissappointed to find only two messages in my inbox... fear i might have to go pout now.

corpsephucker, did you get your son's birthday present yet?

f*** this, i am going to do more laundry now.. maybe deep clean the apartment.. nothing better to do.. i feel grumpy and empty today.. hell all weekend to be honest, not sure what to do with myself... my life seems pretty empty tonight.. *grumble*

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22 june 2002 | 03:25
its all lizzie_borden's faultCollapse )

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what to do, what to do..
22 june 2002 | 03:17
suddenly i am on edge... and not just because my tum was bothering me after eating that chicken taco for dinner.

mainly because i have no idea what to do with myself right now.

no assignments to be done.
no textbooks to read.
no projects to plan for.
no class on monday to look forward to.

i have poured so much into college this past quarter that suddenly being off leaves me wondering what the hell to do with myself.
I am glad i bought these today.

a pair of K2 Xcelerate inline-skates. i wish tomorrow would hurry up so i can go try them out. I am also proud of the fact that given the choice i decided to get something that was non-computer related and that would get me out of the apartment more. I have been really analyzing myself this week and i am not really happy with how i look physically right now. The tummy needs to go, the legs need to get back up to par like they were when i was riding everyday and i just need to get into better shape.

So the skates were a good choice. Hopefully Matthew and gorgee get a hold of me tomorrow so we can go down the few blocks to the lake, although i wish that pixie2321 had her skates with her now and would come with us. Anyone else in the chicago area, you are more than welcome.. come laugh at me falling on my ass. *smirk*

will be nice to break a sweat though, and actually feel like i deserve it rather than just walking around in the muggy air.

In the mean time i have been practicing by skating around my apartment.. *laughs* how odd i am, but wood floors are kickin'!!!

Maybe i will just do nothing but skate around the city for the next three weeks until class begins again? Anyone wanna come along?

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21 june 2002 | 18:22
finally, i am done.

THIS COLLEGE QUARTER IS OVER!!!!

this means i actually might get my apartment clean and do something other than class work now...

ohmi, what ever to do!!!

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Happy Solstice!
21 june 2002 | 08:36
i just wanted to wish everyone, but more specifically my sweet little pagan friends, a wonderous and happy Summer Solstice...

I am not actually doing anything to celebrate it today, mainly because finals have kicked my ass and all.. but if you are interested, check out the WitchVox listings for your area here and enjoy the holiday.

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Flash
mood :bouncy & heavily caffeinated...
21 june 2002 | 08:08
*bounce*

ooh, someone had too many Red Bulls last night..

but i got my final Multimedia project done.. it is a Flash presentation, and i have to say, i am a little thrilled and halfway nauseated by it. I guess maybe i have seen it way to many times now to be really happy with it. BUT, it is technically my first REAL Flash presentation that i completed from start to finish (ie, storyboard to final draft) on my own and not using some second-party application like Swish. Granted i didn't develop the characters, i only drew them and i used sound bites i found on the web, but still.. it works

if you want to check it out go here ---> 1-800-EVL-MOJO

and yeah, tell me what you think? Should i keep up with this funny art school stuff or not? *laughs*

hmm, dare i drink this triple iced mocha or no? fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck ittttttt! *bounce* *BOUNCE*

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*grin*
20 june 2002 | 16:39
just got this message from my Layout teacher...

Gary,

Your final grade is A+. Enjoy your time off.

B. D. Moore



hehe.. lovely!!!

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no chin fur.
20 june 2002 | 16:35
oh goodness, i shaved..
corpsephucker insisted on seeing me without a goatee since i shaved yesterday..

bleh, i look perfectly hot, as in dying in the heat in this picture.

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tonight
19 june 2002 | 20:19
went out for a quick dinner after my Illustration class with this woman Katherine that i had been talking to pretty much all quarter. She seems sort of odd, nice enough but odd never the less in a way. Halfway through the conversation i realized that people with really deep tans completely freak me out the way their skin gets the leathery look and feel to it after the years. blech, just backs up why i prefer fair skinned or naturallly olive-skinned women.

We walked back to the college afterwards and talked for a few minutes, i think she wanted me to ask her for a number or something.. i dunno.. there was this just odd pause there after she said 'i guess i will see you in a month or so.." She is not my type at all, so i didn't take the bait. Just didn't want to eat alone and we have a fun enough time in class together... wasnt look for any sort of romantic involvement or even just a date. She sounds like she drinks too much for my tastes anyhow.

Did see Lauren on the way back. She was in my Color Theory class. Medium height, long dark hair, fair skin, always dressed in charcoals and earthtones.. (sort of like me.. lol)
Wish i would have talked to her more, she seems really all-together.. not loopy and such, but still quick to smile and laugh. The few conversations we did have were pretty interesting. I wanted to ask her out earlier in the quarter but i was on my anti-dating regiment. Ah well.. not that big of a deal. *smirk*

Turned in my project, got out after an hour.. had an odd LJ moment because someone knew who i was because they are a former co-worker of sogi.. that was humorous. Decided to run by Chicago Comix on the way home and ran into my friend Nita. Haven't seen her but once in the past 5 months.. we are going out for drinks on Friday. I told her i would buy her drinks as long as she rubbed my neck somemore.. She said she is still plotting how to get my apartment from me, hasn't ruled out "accidental" death.

Love my friends.. even if they are plotting assasination.

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yeah yeah yeah.. i have nothing to write about today.. so sue me.
19 june 2002 | 03:51
more poll bullshit, but at least is the personal inventory one...
carry onCollapse )

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